


If You Loved Me the Way Misery Does

by PandaPantsLuvsU



Series: Survivor's Guilt [7]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex's POV, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Just angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Rape/Non-con Elements, and self esteem issues, kind of, my son - Freeform, protect him at all costs, that's pretty much his mind right now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-03-25 10:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13832037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaPantsLuvsU/pseuds/PandaPantsLuvsU
Summary: (Angsty title for my angsty son lol)A collection of chapters/scenes/moments fromDisillusionedin Alex's point of view.(Read Disillusioned first - things will make much more sense!!!)I'll try to keep these in order, but I can't promise anything - I'll tell you which scene it covers in the chapter summaries.





	1. The Emergency Breeding Protocol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo! So this basically starts at Chapter 2 and goes on for quite a while.  
> Warnings: Emergency Breeding Protocol and all of its implications, referenced child abuse.

George was watching the news with a grim face.  Martha was standing behind him, her hands on his shoulders.  Lafayette and Adri had taken over the love seat.  She was in his lap, which made Alex’s lip curl, but he focused his energy on the group chat.

John knew that Alex was only kidding when he said that he wasn’t funny, right?  Because John was hilarious.  He could honestly have Alex in stitches for hours on end.

That had actually happened a few times.

“John doesn’t seem to be worried, Papa,” Lafayette said to George.  “And his father’s in the Senate.  If there was cause for concern, surely he would know.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Alex argued, not bothering to glance up from his phone.  “Henry’s not going to tell John shit.  He’s a total dickwad.”

“Language, Alex,” Martha reprimanded gently.  “We’re below a hundred million people, and it’s only going to continue to decline.  Businesses are failing because no one’s alive to buy their product.”

“Capitalism falling apart?  Can’t have that.”

George looked over at him.  “The government would be losing a major means of income.”

“No one left to bribe them.  They’re more concerned with increasing their already bloated incomes than the American people themselves.”  Alex glowered at the television.  “Why am I not surprised.”

“So pessimistic,” Adri said from the loveseat.  “There are still a few good people in power.”

“Sure, but their arguments are being snuffed out just because they’re outnumbered.”  He slumped against the couch.  “Whole damn system is rigged.”

His phone went off, and he looked at the message from John.  Another somewhat outdated meme.  “Such a dork,” he said to himself, not bothering to hide the fondness in his voice.  Both his brother and Adri were sworn to secrecy, and George and Martha weren’t the type to gossip with others about who their adopted son had feelings for.

“ _ We've just received word that a verdict concerning the population crisis has been reached. President Aquitaine is issuing a statement now. _ ”

“ _ Population crisis, _ ” Alex grumbled.  “More like  _ environmental crisis _ or  _ public healthcare crisis _ or even  _ lack-of-a-fucking-care-for-people-who-are-in-need crisis. _ ”

“Shush,  _ lion _ , we’re watching.”

Alex flipped Lafayette off.  He didn’t like Aquitaine.  He was a privileged rich boy who grew up and said,  _ I’m going to run for president just for the hell of it _ and then got the fucking job even though he didn’t know his ass from his elbow.

When the president’s face showed up on the screen, he fought the urge to boo him.  Just because he could.

“ _ Fellow Americans. My congressmen, cabinet members, and I have decided that the best way to fight population decline is to encourage population growth. _ ”

“Provide funding for schools that need it?  Educate everyone about safe sex and family planning?  Provide funding to those who want to start a family, but can’t afford to?”

“Alex, I  _ swear to God _ if you don’t shut up,” Lafayette snapped.

Alex stuck his tongue out at him.

“ _ So on Friday, June sixteenth, all unbonded Omegas will report to their local designated military hospitals for emergency breeding. Any who fail to do this will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. _ ”

His head whipped around and he stared at Aquitaine’s face.  “Wait, what did he just say?”

No one answered.  Out of the corner of his eye, Alex saw George reaching up and taking Martha’s hands.  They were both shaking.

“ _ Mr. President, are you concerned that some Omegas are going to try to escape the country? _ ”

“ _ Not at all. We have immigration officers on the job in case someone tries to run. _ ”

“ _ Mr. President, what will happen to the Omegas who refuse this? _ ”

“ _ Unfortunately, they will be taken into police custody and charged with the act of willfully putting the country in danger. No more questions. Thank you. _ ”

“Is he serious?” Alex whispered.  Then he jumped up.  “Is he  _ fucking serious _ ?”

“Alex,” Martha said.  Her voice sounded weaker than he’d ever heard it before.

“ _ Emergency breeding _ ?  What the fuck even is that?  Forced in-vitro?  Removing their eggs and implanting them in surrogates?”

Martha pulled out her phone and dialed someone.  “Fran?  Fran, honey, it’s Mama.  Have you been -”  Her voice cracked.  “Have you been following the news?”

George looked at her with solemn eyes, then turned to Alex.  “The Emergency Breeding Protocol,” he finally said.  “It’s a failsafe that was put into place in the early 1800s.  I thought they’d have made it illegal by now.  It’s -”

“It’s happened before?  Why don’t we know about it?”

“Because they don’t want you to.”

Alex felt sick.  He walked over to George on shaky legs.  “What is it?”

“They...”  George ran a hand over his face.  He looked so old.  “Unbonded Omegas go to the hospital.  They’re tested and then sent to another facility and...”

“And what?”  He could feel himself going cold.  “What do they do?”

“They induce a heat in the Omegas and -”

“ _ No. _ ”  Alex brought his fist to his mouth.  He couldn’t let George finish the sentence.  Couldn’t let it be confirmed.  “No, no, they  _ don’t _ .”

“Son -”

“ _ Government-sponsored rape, _ ” Alex breathed.  “They - they -”  His brain short-circuited.  And then everything clicked.  “Oh, God,  _ John _ .”

He was out the door before he realized the words were leaving his mouth.

Alex burst into John’s house, Lafayette and Adri not far behind.  The sight of John, his face buried in Marty’s shirt, stopped him in his tracks.

Then Lafayette was on his knees, Adri with a hand on John’s shoulder, and John looked up at them.  His face was pale and his eyes were red.  His lips kept trembling.

_ I have to protect him. _

John looked up and they made eye contact and John’s whimper of, “Alex” broke him from his stupor.  He was at John’s side in an instant, pulling him into his arms and holding him tightly, as if that would be enough to stop this.  “John. Oh, John. They can't do this to you. I won't  _ let them _ do this to you.” He’d sooner die than let anyone hurt John. “I'll write an essay. I'll write a  _ thousand _ essays and send them into every newspaper in America. I'll use Washington's name and get into galas and dinners and convince the higher-ups that this is wrong. I'll kill the fucking president myself.” He took John’s face into his hands.  He needed him to understand. “You will not be bred like an animal, John. Not if I have anything to do with it.”

John leaned into him.  Alex closed his eyes, mind racing as he tried to come up with a solution.  Writing essays wouldn’t help in the short-term.  He needed to get John out of this  _ now _ .

_ We can move, _ he thought.   _ Convince someone to smuggle us out of the country.  Go to the Caribbean.  A part of the Caribbean that isn’t US territory. _

Everyone’s first instinct would be to flee to either Canada or Mexico.  That’s where they’d put the majority of the immigration officers.  So they’d sneak onto a ship - they’d probably have the airlines on lockdown, too - and go to the Caribbean.  He’d take what little money he had saved up and they’d...  They’d go from there.  John wasn’t fluent in French by any means, but he knew enough.  Alex could teach him more.  Alex could keep him safe.

Alex needed to keep him safe.

“People are losing their minds,” Hercules said, coming into the living room.  Alex saw the way he looked at John.  Couldn’t decipher it, didn’t think to try.  “ _ Fifteen _ riots have broken out in  the last twenty minutes.”

“Not exactly helping with the population problem.”

Alex tightened his grip on John.  How many times would the government impregnate him if the population continued to decline?  Just once?  Twice?  “I’m not going to rest until you’re safe, John.”  He wasn’t.  He wouldn’t stop working until he found a way to get John out of this.

“Jacky?” Junior said.  “Dad will be home tomorrow so he can talk to you about this.”

Alex honest to God didn’t know what Henry would do.  He hoped that he would have some ideas, that he’d put aside the pointless resentment he felt towards his son and try to protect him.  Senators had influence.  Maybe enough to get them out of the country.

John took Alex’s hand.  He squeezed it, wishing there was a way he could make John stop trembling, a way to soothe him somehow.

Polly came into the room - he hadn’t even realized that she had left - and handed John her security blanket.  John squeezed his eyes shut.  Marty stood, giving Alex a look that said,  _ hold onto him _ , and took Polly’s hand.  “Come on, Mary Eleanor.  Let’s make Jack feel better!”

And then John’s phone started ringing.

Alex was surprised it hadn’t started sooner.

John made a face and pressed himself further against Alex.  Alex sighed when it started to ring again.  Eventually, John gave up and fished it out of the couch.  “Hello?” he answered hoarsely.  Alex eyed the glass of water on the coffee table.  “Yes, I saw the news.”  Alex could faintly hear an angry, high-pitched voice on the other end of the line.  John was holding the phone to his ear, staring at nothing.  His face was blank.  His eyes were empty.  Alex was at a loss.  “Mimi,” John said.

Alex rolled his eyes.  Of  _ course _ it was Mimi.

“Mimi.”  His voice cracked.  “Mimi, I’m scared.”

Alex took his free hand.  John didn’t seem to notice.

Tears welled up in John’s eyes and his nose twitched - a sign that he was about to start crying.  “I don’t know.  I don’t know, Mimi.”

Alex took the phone from him.  He didn’t know how much more of this John could handle.  “Mimi, we’ve gotta go.  Call us if...”

“If I learn my fate?” she deadpanned.

“Just keep in touch.”

“Alex -”

He hung up, then  _ his _ phone started ringing.  John closed his eyes, no longer emotionless but obviously trying to be.  Alex glanced at Polly and Marty, who were assembling a giant nest for everyone, then at his phone.  “It’s Frannie.”  A bit of a relief, actually.  Frannie and John had always been close.  Maybe she would know what to do.  He hit  _ answer.   _ “Hey.”.

“Is John there?”

“Yeah, he’s with me.”

“Give him the phone,” she demanded before he even finished the sentence.  “Give him the phone  _ now _ .”

“Okay, okay, yeesh.”  He could forgive her attitude.  He’d be the same way, if not worse, if something like this happened and he couldn’t get to John.  “She wants to talk to you,” he said, handing the phone over.

John took it.  “Hi, Fran.”  His expression changed slightly as he listened.  He looked just a bit more vulnerable.  Alex hoped it was for the better.  “I think I’m going into shock,” he said.  “Everything’s like... really numb.”

Alex reached over and took a blanket from the pile - it was green, John’s favorite color - and draped it over him, letting his hands linger on his upper arms.

“No.  Stay in West Virginia.  Keep working.  I’ll see you in a couple weeks...  Love you too, Fran.”  A tear fell.  When he hung up, it started ringing again and his shook his head a little too violently.  “I don’t think I can -”

Alex took the phone.  “Come here,” he breathed, pulling him close.  John curled into him.  Alex checked the caller ID and answered it.  “He’s okay, Eliza,” he said.  John grabbed onto Alex’s shirt.  His heart tore.  “At least, as okay as he can be.”

“Let me talk to him.”

“No, I don’t think -”

“I need to talk to him.  Please.  We can’t let him shut down again.”  She was using that voice she used to unintentionally use when they were together.  It made it hard to say no.

But this was John they were talking about.  “Betsey I’m not - he’s just in -”

“Give me the phone,” he heard someone say.

_ Fuck me. _

“Alexander.”

“Hi, Angelica.”

“Where is he?”

“John’s okay.  He’s with me.”

“Let us talk to him.  Maybe we can -”

“He’s scared, okay!” Alex snapped.  He didn’t know why the hell everyone thought they could somehow help.  They couldn’t do anything.   _ Alex _ couldn’t do anything.  He was powerless and he was about to lose his best friend, the one he loved more than anyone else.  “He’s scared and in shock and miserable and he doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now!”

John tensed and let out a barely audible squeak.  Alex looked down at him, then at his phone.  Angelica was saying something.  He hung up on her.

“Alex,” Lafayette snapped, crossing the room.  “Volume.”  He pulled John away from Alex and it felt like he was tearing off a limb, too.  He cradled John close.  “You need to be careful with him.  He’s fragile.”

He wanted to take John back because  _ he _ was better at taking care of him than Lafayette.  They knew each other better.  Lafayette had no right to just waltz in and take his Omega -

_ Not my Omega. _

John wriggled and Lafayette put him down.  Alex started to reach for him, but stopped when their eyes locked.

Then John walked out of the room.

There was a moment of shock before everyone started calling for him to come back.  When he didn’t, Marty sat down on the couch, her face buried in her hands, and let out a sob.  Hercules sat next to her and drew her close.  “It’ll be okay,” he said softly.  “It’ll be okay.”

Adri and Lafayette took to comforting James and Junior, who also appeared to be on the verge of breaking down.  Polly looked at the nest and sniffled.

“Polly.”  Alex didn’t recognize his own voice.  “Polly, honey, come here.”

She crawled into his lap and he rocked her a little awkwardly.  John would never say this to anyone, but she was his favorite.  She was the only one he’d raised from infancy.  And Polly was just as attached to John as he was to her.  Alex figured she probably even loved him more than Henry.

“What’s going to happen to Jacky?” she whimpered.  Alex picked up the discarded security blanket and wrapped her in it.  “Is he going to get hurt?”

She was only four.  She didn’t understand.  All she knew was that she was losing her brother.

“We’re going to make sure that doesn’t happen, okay?”

Marty reached over and ran a hand through her curls.  “It’ll be okay,” she said, but it sounded more like a plea.

Hercules picked Polly up.  “Why don’t we let Lex go talk to Jacky while we finish perfecting the nest for him?”

Alex stood and climbed the stairs.  He made it to John’s door and took a deep breath before knocking.  “John?  Can I come in?”

He didn’t answer.  Fear rose in his throat.  He should’ve come up sooner.  He should’ve  _ followed  _ him up.

“John, I know you can hear me.  I don’t want to have to pick the lock, but I will.”  He’d learned how to do it in the eighth grade.  He thought that seeming like a bad boy would make him more attractive.  “Listen, I know you’re scared.”  Understatement of the year.  “We are too.  But don’t shut us out.”  John had sealed himself off twice before: when his mother died and after he and his boyfriend broke up in their Junior year.  If he put his walls up for something like  _ this _ , Alex couldn’t be sure when they’d come down again.  “We can-”

The door swung open, and John stepped aside, letting Alex in and handing him a bottle of beer.  He was also holding a joint.  “I can’t do this,” John said.

Desperation filled Alex’s chest.  He couldn’t be giving up so easily.  “We’ll come up with something.”

John shook his head.  “No, I can’t do  _ this _ .”  He waved to the bottle.  “I can’t become my father.  I can’t do what he did.”

Alex opened his mouth to assure him that he would  _ never _ be his father, but John was already turning away, putting the joint out and then stashing it.

“I can’t do that to them.”

It was always  _ them _ , never  _ him _ .  John lived for his family, but Alex didn’t know if he was capable of living for himself.

Alex had been in some pretty dark places, too.  And the idea of John - _his_ _John_ \- going through that pain -

He set the bottle down and pulled John close.  “We’re all here for you.  We all love you, John.  We’ll work together.  We’ll figure this out.”

“I can’t go,” he whispered.  “Not with the kids.  Not with my schoolwork.  Not with the soup kitchen.”  He stepped away, sitting on the bed and putting his head in his hands.  “God, they’ll need volunteers now more than ever.  I can’t go.”

He was right.  Too many people depended on him.  Everything would fall apart if he was taken.

_ Alex _ would fall apart if he was taken.

He sat down next to him.  “Come downstairs.  The girls’ll be pretty upset if you don’t at least try out the nest they built you.  Get some rest.”  Alex pulled John’s hands from his face and brushed his tears away.  John leaned into him, just a little.  “We can’t plan when we’re exhausted.”

John stood and went to the bathroom.  Alex watched him brush his teeth and scrub his hands clean.  John braced himself on the counter for a moment, taking a deep breath.

Marty was waiting for John at the bottom of the stairs, and she hugged him tightly when he was within reach.  “We’ll die before we let them take you.”  She kissed his cheek.

“No,” John said.  “You’ll keep the kids safe.”

“Jack -”

“I’m not going without a fight, Marty.  But if I can’t get out of this.  If I...”  He shook his head sharply.  “Swear it.  Swear you’ll look after them for me.  Just keep them alive, keep them out of trouble.”

Marty started to cry.  “You’re all I have.”

John kissed her forehead, pulling her close again.  “Please.”

“I-I promise.”

He let go of her and trudged into the living room.  Alex caught Marty’s arm before she could go after him.  “I’ll keep him safe,” he promised her.  “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t get taken.”

She threw her arms around his neck.  “Thank you,” she sobbed.

John was lying in the nest when they walked into the living room, Polly by his side.  He was speaking softly to her in Spanish, his face a well-practiced mask of calmness.

Alex had tried to learn Spanish before, but he was never dedicated enough to learn more than the  _ very _ basics.  Maybe John could teach him when they fled to the Caribbean.  They’d have quite a bit of time on their hands, after all.

He curled up on John’s other side, and John gave him a wavering smile.  Everyone else fell into place.

“I texted Papa,” Lafayette said.  “He knows we’re staying over.”

“Thanks,” Alex replied, even though he couldn’t have cared less about George at the moment.

John rolled over and tucked his head under Alex’s chin.  Alex rubbed his back, closing his eyes.

As the others drifted off, he stayed awake.  He normally hated silence, but at least it would allow him to come up with a plan.

“You’re still awake,” John whispered an hour later.

“So are you.”

He rolled onto his back, taking care not to crush Polly.  “I won’t be able to sleep until I know what’s going to happen to me.  Whether I’m going to be -”

“You won’t.”  Alex didn’t let him finish.

John stared at the ceiling.  His eyes got a slightly haunted look to them.  “Emergency breeding,” he mumbled.  “I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Neither did I.  But it’s not something you’re ever going to go through.”

“Any ideas so far?  Because I keep drawing blanks.”

“We escape the country.”

“There’s going to be officers -”

“At the borders.  So we’ll get on a ship.”

“Who’s  _ we _ ?”

“You and me, of course.”

John shook his head.  “You’d flee the country with me?”

“Well it’s not like you could go alone.”

“And you’re the logical first choice?”

“Yeah.”  He propped his head on his elbow.  “I’m the  _ logical first choice. _ ”

A ghost of a smirk.  “Tell me, then.  Where will we go?”

“The Caribbean.  Probably the Lesser Antilles.  Territories of France, like Saint-Martin or Guadeloupe or Martinique.”

“I don’t speak French.”

“No, but I do.  I can teach you.”

“They’ll have officers at every port.”

“But it’d be easier to smuggle you onto a ship, I think.  And closer.”  Alex closed his eyes for a moment.  “We’d stay there for a few years, until this ends.”

“And if it never does?”

Alex shrugged.  “Then I guess it’ll be a new chance at life?”

“I can’t leave the kids.”

“It might be your only choice.”

John swallowed audibly.  “We’d need to get jobs.  And a place to live.”

“We could get a shack on the beach,” Alex mused.  “Maybe tutor people in English.  We wouldn’t need to pay for heating in the winter.”

“We don’t need that  _ here _ , either.”

“We could spend our days off on the front porch, soaking up the sun.  You look good when you tan.”

John didn’t answer.  Alex looked over to see him staring at the ceiling again, a few tears rolling down his face.  Alex reached over and wiped them away.

“We’ll find a way,” he promised.

“Please stop saying that.”  John sniffled.  “I think Martinique might be my first choice.  There are more people there.  It’d be easier to stay anonymous.  Not to mention it’d be easier to find jobs.”

“Martinique it is, then.”  He took John’s hand.  “We could probably find decent work at a hotel.  We’re both bilingual.”

“I could work room service.  Steal the soap and blame it on the guests.”

Alex chuckled humorlessly.  “There you go.”

“Or I could be waitstaff for the on-site restaurant.  Fake nice to strangers, pretend to be flattered when they call me  _ pretty _ .”

“Or  _ I _ could be waitstaff.  I mean,  _ I’m _ the pretty one, after all.”

It earned him a weak smile, which was what he was going for.  “Where would we stay while we saved up for a place?”

“We could go in with a little money to start with.  Maybe we could both work night shift, then sleep all day on the beach.  We wouldn’t get judged as much.”

“But don’t we need a permanent address in order to get a job in the first place?”

Alex frowned.  “I don’t know if that law’s the same in France.”

“It’s something we’ll need to figure out.  We only have five days to come up with a plan  _ and  _ execute it.”  John started trembling again, and Alex drew him close.  “That’s not a lot of time.”

“No,” Alex agreed, “it’s not.  But we’ll figure it out.”  John gave him a look.  “We  _ will _ .”

They lapsed into silence again, Alex’s brain whirring.   _ Martinique.  We’ll move to Martinique and start a new life there. _

It wouldn’t be easy, but they’d find a way to survive.  Alex knew French, and John was good with money.  That was a start.

He hadn’t slept at all by the time Henry got home.

Alex heard the keys in the door and sat up, John following close behind.  Alex risked a glance at him.  His eyes were exhausted and red-rimmed, his skin almost sallow, his brow furrowed with worry.  Alex resisted the urge to smooth it back, to tell him that everything was going to be alright.

Henry walked into the room and looked at the nest.  Alex silently dared him to say something.  Instead, he nodded once at both of them and headed into the kitchen without a word.

Alex had never liked Henry, and he hadn’t realized why until John’s mother died.  He reminded Alex of one of his old foster parents.  He was cruel to John, and though it was never enough to take to court, Alex wanted John to get away.

Maybe this would be his chance to start over and live for himself.

Except John would never do it.  He had four reasons to stay, and they were all still fast asleep in the nest.

John stood and went into the kitchen, Alex right behind him.

Henry was making a pot of coffee.  John stared at him, fear plain on his face.  Alex reached for his hand, lacing his fingers through his.  John was trembling.  It made Alex’s heart hurt.

_ Your son needs you, _ Alex wanted to scream.   _ He needs you and you’re making coffee as if nothing’s happened. _

He shouldn’t have been surprised.

Henry poured himself a mug and sat down at the table, smoothing out his newspaper.  Alex’s skin prickled.

John swallowed audibly.  Then, in the most broken voice Alex had ever heard, whispered, “Dad.”

Alex would sooner die than let him get hurt.

“John -”

“Mr. Laurens,” he said, cutting him off, “you have to get John out of this. You can use your name, or bribe people into letting him leave the country. We could go to the Caribbean. I’m fluent in French, and I could teach John-”

Henry held up a hand.  Alex wanted to rip it off.  “Mr. Hamilton.  That’s enough. I’ve done everything in my power. No one is willing to overturn the decision. This is out of my hands.”

John stilled and his breath caught.  He shook his head, nose twitching.  Alex fought the growl.  “Out of your-”  His mind blanked.  He didn’t know what to say to that, other than  _ fuck you.   _ “No,” he snapped. “ _ No. _ You have prestige. You have  _ power. _ You have more money than you know what to do with! You have  _ everything  _ you need to save him!” Henry had everything, and John had nothing.  John always seemed to have nothing, and now he was about to get even less.  He was going to get - “Please.”  His voice cracked.  “Don’t let them take John. I’m begging you.”

He’d sooner die than let him get hurt.

“John,” Henry said. “John, I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t get to say that.  He had no right to pretend to care.  Alex stepped in front of John, shielding him from his father.  “If you were  _ sorry _ , you wouldn’t have given up!” 

Henry stood from his chair.  It squeaked painfully as it scooted across the floor. “Do you realize what’s at stake here? The fate of our country.”

He had to be joking.  “If  _ this _ is how our country reacts to a crisis, then maybe it deserves to fail!”

“If I speak out publicly-”

“You’ll maybe be able to knock some sense into someone-”

“I’ll lose my job-”

“ _ You’ll lose your  _ **_SON_ ** !”

He felt hands on his shoulders and checked himself.  John didn’t like it when Alex raised his voice for the same reason that Alex didn’t like loud noises.  Bile rose in his throat.  He’d do anything to protect John.  He’d do anything to take care of him, because John took care of everyone and it wasn’t fair.  It was never fair, and it took Alex too  _ goddamn long  _ to see how selfless John was.  John didn’t deserve this.  He didn’t deserve any of this.

Henry actually seemed to be considering for a moment, and Alex foolishly hoped his words did something.  That they’d kicked loose a stuck gear, that he’d activated his paternal instincts.

“If I lose my job, I can’t provide for this family. I’ll lose...  _ everything _ .”  Alex shook his head, a nasty insult on his lips.  No one was going to -

“But you have no problem with losing me.”

Alex’s heart stopped and he turned just in time to see John  _ break _ , burying his face in his hands as sobs tore from his chest.  He watched him fall apart, shrinking into himself, shrinking away from everyone.

Alex wrapped his arms around him, standing on his toes a little so he could guide John’s forehead to his shoulder.  He didn’t have to see Henry if he didn’t want to.

“I’ve got you,” Alex whispered against the side of his head.  “It’s gonna be okay.  It’s gonna be okay.”  He hated how the words sounded more like a plea.  He hated the way his own eyes stung with tears.  He shouldn’t be getting emotional, not when John needed him.

John pulled away, wiping his blotchy face.  He stared at Henry.  Alex looked over his shoulder at the man he’d put in the ground without a second thought if he knew he could get away with it.

“You know what?” he said, wrapping an arm around John and leading him away.  He could hear the others stirring in the other room.  “You don’t need to take this.  You’re coming home with me.”

John had spent the night many times before.  But this felt more permanent.  He knew George and Martha wouldn’t mind.  They loved John as their own.

“I can’t break the law, Mr. Hamilton.”

He  _ had _ to open his mouth.

Alex turned.  “No. You  _ can _ break the law just like I  _ can _ break your jaw. It's a matter of choice.”

Henry growled at him, and Alex pretended that the sound didn’t terrify him right to the bone.  Instead, he took John up to his bedroom.

John froze in the doorway, eyes ghosting over the room.  Alex wanted to know what was running through his mind.

“Get packed,” he said gently, nudging John.

John nodded once.  “Get my art stuff?”

“Of course.”  He grabbed John’s art bag and started putting paintbrushes and pencils into it.  He hadn’t seen John paint in a while.  When they were still in high school, Alex would come over and do homework with John because he didn’t think John would do it on his own.  But John tended to finish before him and turned to his art while Alex worked on his long-winded essays.  Alex always stayed later than he meant to when John painted, because the way he did it entranced him.  John didn’t make mistakes when he was painting.  And if he did, he found ways to make it work.  He was far too patient in that regard.

Alex swallowed the lump in his throat when he realized that he might never get to see John paint again.

Someone cleared their throat and Alex jumped, turning to the doorway.  Lafayette was standing there.  He eyed the bag in John’s hand as he crammed blankets and clothes into it, then glanced at Alex.  They locked eyes and Alex nodded just slightly.

“I’ll go tell Mama and Papa,” Lafayette said, gaze lingering on John for a moment longer.

John steeled himself on his bed frame.

“It’ll be okay,” Alex promised.

“Stop it.”

“Jack?”

John’s jaw hardened.  Marty came into the room.  He looked at her hopelessly.  “I have to -”

“I know.”  She hugged him.  “I love you so much, Jack.”

“I love you, too.  Take care of Mary Eleanor for me.”

“I will.”  She pulled away hesitantly, as if it pained her to do so.  “Let me help pack.”

“Does everyone know?” John asked.

She nodded solemnly.

His nose twitched.  He stared at his bag for a long time.  Marty put a hand on his back and met Alex’s eyes.  “ _ Remember your promise, _ ” she mouthed at him.

He saluted her, and her lips twitched a little.

They finished packing and walked down the stairs.  Polly was waiting for them, and she latched onto John’s leg as soon as he was close enough.  “Take me with you,” she begged.

“I can’t, kiddo.”  He kept his voice light.  “You'll be fine here, with Marty and Junior.  They'll take really good care of you.”

“Who’s going to build me nests?”

Alex saw a small crack form in John’s facade.  “Marty knows how.”

“It's not the same!”

“Then you can teach her.”

Her lower lip trembled.  He smoothed her hair back tenderly.  Alex suddenly felt like he was intruding.

“John.”

_ Speaking of intruders _ .

Henry’s lip curled at Alex.  He fought the urge to flip him off.

“I’m sorry you’re reacting so childishly,” Henry said, turning to John.

“It's not childish to be irritated with the fact that dead people have more bodily autonomy than me.”

Alex was  _ definitely _ going to be quoting that in an essay.

John picked up Polly and gave her several quick kisses before handing her to Henry.  His lips thinned and his jaw tightened as he did so, as if parting from her caused him physical pain.  Alex wouldn’t be surprised if it did.  Polly might not have been biologically his child, but she was definitely more like his kid than his sister.  

It really wasn’t fair.

“Good luck running the place.”  After a moment, John bit out, “Alpha,” with venom.  Alex smirked in spite of the situation.

Then John shouldered his bag and walked out the door.  Alex fell into step beside him.

“We’ll figure something out, John.  We always do.”

The door closed, but not before Polly let out a long, high-pitched wail.  John froze, eyes widening, shuddering with his entire body.  Then he grit his teeth and clenched his fists.

“I know,” Alex breathed, tugging at his arm.  John didn’t budge.  “She’s got Marty and Junior and James.  She’ll be okay.”

John took a shuddering breath and tilted his head back.  Alex could see the tears in his eyes.  He also saw his jaw working.

He reached out and stroked it with his thumb.  “You’ll break your teeth.”

John relaxed his face and his chin dropped to his chest.  “Let’s go.”

Alex hooked an arm through John’s and guided him to his house.  When they were inside, he took John’s hands in his and uncurled his fingers, examining the crescents he’d forced into his palms.  “It’ll be -”

“It won’t.”

“I won’t rest until you’re safe.”

“You’ll die of exhaustion.”

“So be it.”  He reached to cup John’s face, but he jerked away.  He got like that, sometimes.  He rejected help because he didn’t think he was worth the risk.

He was worth everything.

Anger bubbled up in Alex’s chest.  “What?” he demanded.  Normally, he let it slide.  But this wasn’t normal.  None of this was normal.  “What?  Don’t pretend that you can handle this on your own.”

“You shouldn’t have to -”

“No.   _ You _ shouldn’t have to.  This entire thing is fucked up and if you think for one  _ second _ that I’m going to stand by and let  _ anyone _ lay a  _ finger  _ on you, then -”

“This isn’t your problem!” John snapped.  “It’s  _ mine _ .”

“Right, like I’m perfectly okay with any of this happening.  Like you mean so little to me that -”

“This isn’t about you!”

“No, it’s not!”  Alex wanted to pull his hair out.  “It’s not about me, it’s about  _ you _ .  Particularly how you seem to be convinced that you can deal with this on your own!”

“Maybe I can!”

“Dammit, John, stop being so  _ fucking _ independent!”

“That’s how I do things!  That’s how I’ve  _ always _ done things!”

“It’s not  _ my fault _ that your father doesn’t care enough to bother with you!”  His anger died when he realized how that sounded.  “John, wait -”

“Fuck you,” he spat.  “And fuck you  _ especially _ if you think you’re going to the Caribbean with me.”  He snatched his art bag from Alex and went upstairs.

“If not me, then who?” he called.  “Who else is there?”

“Anyone else.  I’d rather go with  _ Henry _ than you!”

He heard a door slam.

“That went well.”

Alex turned to see George standing in the doorway.  “What do you want?”

He arched an eyebrow at his attitude, and Alex glanced down.  “I came here to welcome John, but it seems that you’ve already done that for me.”  He sighed.  “He’s not the type to willingly accept that much help from anyone.”

“It’s Henry’s fault.”

“Maybe so.”  George placed a hand on his shoulder.  “It’s been a rough day for him.  Did his father kick him out?”

“No.  But he’s not going to help John get out of it.”

Another sigh.  “Henry’s a... complicated man.”

“He’s an  _ asshole _ , that’s what he is.”  Alex glowered at the ground.

A beat.  “The Caribbean?”

“Martinique,” Alex muttered.  “I thought John and I could escape the country.”

“That’s pretty far from home.”

“Kinda the point.  The further from here John is, the better.”  Alex hugged himself.  He couldn’t be weak.  John needed him, regardless of whether he believed he did.  “I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“I know, son.”  George nodded once at the stairs.  “You should go talk to him.”

Alex trudged to the guest room and knocked.  “John?  Can I come in?”

He waited for the mumbled, “Whatever,” on the other side of the door to open it.  John was sitting on the bed, pencil moving angrily as he wrote.

“Jack, I didn’t mean to say that about your father.”

“You’re right.  He doesn’t care.”

“I’m still a dick for saying it, though.”

John glanced up briefly.  “Yeah.  You are.  And you’re not  _ actually _ worse than Henry.  I just said that to hurt you.”

Alex sat down next to him.  “So it’s settled: we’re both dicks.”

John laughed humorlessly.  “Yup.”

“And I’m not trying to make this about me.”  He swallowed.  “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“And  _ I _ don’t want  _ you _ to get hurt.  Which is why it always pisses me off that you’re so  _ ready _ to throw yourself into the fire for me.  You’re not expendable.”  He met his eyes.  “You’re really not.”

Alex smiled a little.  “Even if I believed that, I’d still do anything for you.  I mean, you’re my best friend.”

John looked down at his paper.  “You’re mine too.”

“And there are so many people out there who would lose everything if they lost you.  Frannie, Marty, Polly, James.”  After a moment, he added, “Me.”

“You’d lose  _ everything _ , huh?”

“Of course.”  He tilted John’s chin up so he could meet his eyes.  They were so pretty, so green today.  “You seriously didn’t know that you’re the goddamn world?”

John’s cheeks flushed and he stared at Alex.  “Oh,” he whispered.

Alex wanted to kiss him.  He could feel it with every fiber of his being.  “John.  I know the circumstances aren’t ideal, but can I -?”

“Yes.”

“Thank God,” he breathed, closing his eyes.

“You can help me.”

They snapped open.  “Huh?”

“You can help me.”  John returned to his work.  Alex’s hand fell from his face and hung limply at his side.  “If I mean that much to you, then you can help me figure this out.”

Alex straightened up.  Right.  The Emergency Breeding Protocol.  They needed to get John out of it.

_ Stop kidding yourself, dumbass.  He’ll never love you. _

_ “No one will  _ ever _ love you, you good for nothing little bitch!” _

The memory made him wince so violently that John’s head shot up from his paper.  “You okay?”

Alex nodded.  “Yeah.”  His voice was hoarse.  “Yeah, just... remembered a thing.  Not a big deal.”  He’d never told John about his time in the system.  He didn’t want John to know he had that much baggage.

_ How stupid is that?  He knows you too well.  If he hasn’t run yet, he never will. _

“Wanna talk about it?”

Alex shook his head.  “I’m gonna get my laptop.”

He felt John’s eyes on his back as he left the room.

Did Henry ever make John feel like he wasn’t capable of being loved?  Alex knew he’d tried to make John give up his dream of becoming a lawyer in favor of taking care of the kids.  Was that as far as it went, or had he done worse?

Alex stopped in his tracks.

Had Henry ever struck John?

He let out a low growl at the thought of it.

When they got John out of the Protocol, he wasn’t sure he wanted John to go back to that house.

* * *

 

“We can’t go to Martinique,” John said two days later.  Alex looked up from where he was typing up their budget for when they arrived.

“Why not?”

“ _ All ports along the coasts to be closed until further notice _ ,” John read from his laptop.  “Newest headline.”

“Fuck.  We should’ve left yesterday.”

“We weren’t ready then.  Hell, we’re not ready  _ now _ .”

“Airports are still closed,” Hercules said from the other side of the room.  “Might be able to get out through Mexico if you can cross the border on foot.”

“No, they’ve got officers at all of the borders.  It would be impossible for John to sneak through.”  Adrienne gave John a sympathetic look.  Alex didn’t like her looking at him like that.  He ignored the distaste.

“So I can’t leave the country, and I can’t stay here.”  John narrowed his eyes at his laptop.

“We’ll figure it out,” Alex promised.

“I know.  I’m just thinking.”

Lafayette came into the room with sandwiches and coffee.  Alex took the proffered mug, but declined any food.  He was too nervous to eat.

“What if I go into hiding?”

“We’d have to find someone to hide us,” Alex said.

“ _ Us _ ?  No, Alex, I’d be hiding alone.”

Alex didn’t like that idea a bit.  “No, you need someone to look after you.”

“It’s too much of a risk.  I couldn’t bring anyone with me.”

“I thought I’d made it perfectly clear -”

“My chances of getting caught are also a  _ lot _ higher if I’ve got someone with me.”

“There are sixteen million unbonded Omegas in the states, and  _ ninety percent _ of them are projected to attempt evasion,” Adrienne said.  “It’s not going to be easy.”

“They can’t catch all of us,” John said simply.

When everyone else had gone to bed, Alex moved closer to John, until their sides were pressed together.

“Can I help you?” John asked.

“If you go into hiding, how will I know you’re safe?”

John reached up and touched his cheek, thumb-rubbing his cheekbone for several long moments.  Alex leaned into his hand.  “You’ll just have to have faith,” John whispered.

“Faith?  In what,  _ God _ ?”  He snorted.  “I can’t put stock in any kind of god who would let this happen.”

“Then have faith in  _ me _ .”

Alex closed his eyes, placing his hand over John’s, holding it there.  He wanted to press his nose to the tiny scent gland on his wrist, memorize how he smelled.  He wanted to kiss him just once, get to know the taste of his lips right before it was stolen away from him.

“I’ll miss you,” he breathed.  “I’ll miss you like crazy.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”  John exhaled slowly.  “And if this is never lifted, then -”

“We’ll never see each other again.”  Alex swallowed thickly.  “I don’t want to think about that.”

“Me, neither.”

John put his laptop away, and Alex did the same.  John curled up next to him, his head on Alex’s shoulder.  Alex wrapped an arm around him.

“Take a break?” John suggested in a small voice.

“Sure.”  Alex leaned his head against John’s, tears welling up in his eyes.  “If this is the last time we ever see each other,” he said softly, “I think you should know.  I’ve always had -”  His voice cracked.  “I’ve always thought you were...”

“Hmm?”

“You’re just so...  I can’t explain it.”

“I must be pretty  _ something _ , if the mighty English major can’t come up with a term.”

Alex tugged his hair gently.  “I just...  I want you to know that I wasn’t kidding when I said you were the goddamn world.  Because you are.”

“So are you.  You never give yourself enough credit for how great you are.”

“You still think that, even when you’re pissed at me?”

“Even when I’m pissed.”  John’s phone  _ ping _ ed and he checked it with a sigh.  “They’re offering rewards to anyone who knows about the whereabouts of any Omegas.”  A moment.  “And they’ve caught half a million Omegas trying to escape.”

“I’d hide you in the closet if it came down to it.”

“I’ve spent way too long in the closet, thank you.”  They shared a short laugh.  “I’m so fucking scared, Alex.”

Alex turned and pressed his lips to the top of John’s head.  “I’m never giving up.”

John nodded, hugging Alex around the middle.  It made his heart warm and ache at the same time.

* * *

 

“They’ll induce heat.”

Alex jumped and looked up at John.  He was staring at his notebook as he drew out escape plan after escape plan.  Hiding was no longer an option.

“They’ll use pheromones on the Alphas,” he continued.  “It might not - It might not...  I don’t think it’ll hurt -”

“No.”  Alex actually felt sick.  “Don’t you  _ dare. _  Don’t you  _ dare _ think like that.”

“Marty will probably help me raise it.  Henry will hopefully provide some kind of funds for his grandchild.  I wouldn’t be totally alone.”

Alex moved his laptop.  “ _ No _ .  Stop it.  We’re not going to stop until we find a way to get you out of this!”

John finally looked up at him, tears glittering in his eyes.  “I don’t see what we can do!”

“You won’t be bred against your will -”

“I can’t see a way to avoid -”

“ _ I will not let anyone breed you against your will! _ ”  Alex grabbed John and forced him to meet his eyes.  He wasn’t going to let this happen.  He  _ wasn’t going to let this happen to John. _

John reached for him, but stopped.  “Alex.”

“No, John,” he snapped.  “We’re not giving up.”  He’d sooner die than give up.  He wasn’t going to lose John.  Not now, not ever.  They’d have to pry his Omega from his cold, dead carcass.

_ Not my Omega. _

“I’m -”

“We’re  _ not _ giving up.”

“I’m  _ unbonded _ , Alex. There’s nothing we can do.”

_ Unbonded.   _ That stuck in Alex’s head.  John was unbonded.  An unbonded Omega.

_ Oh my God. _  “John.  What if you...  What if you  _ weren’t _ unbonded?”

John shook his head.  “I don’t - I’m  _ not _ -”

“But what if you bonded with someone?”

“Alex, there’s no one who’ll bond with me. Bonds are for life-”

He knew that.  “If you don’t consummate-”

“I’d still be tied to them for life. Not to mention it’s a huge risk. That’s bond fraud. That’s a serious crime. I can’t even  _ begin _ to imagine what the consequences would be in a case like this.”

It was so easy.  “Someone who’s willing to take that risk-”

“Who the hell would be willing-”

“Me.”

“ _ You _ ?”

Alex nodded, even as John gaped at him.  “I don’t give a damn about what might happen if we get caught. No risk is too large if it means that you’re safe.” He’d do anything if it meant that John was safe. “But it’s gonna be a lot on your part. Because technically,  _ you’re _ the only one who has to be bonded for this to work. You’ll be tied to me, but I won’t be tied to you.”

“What do we tell the government when they ask us why I’m suddenly bonded to my college roommate?”

“That we’ve been in love for years and were planning to wait until after we graduate to bond, but this kind of forced our hands.”  It was  _ kind of  _ true.  Alex had been in love with John for years, and he  _ had _ daydreamed about bonding with him.

John stared at him for a moment, then said, “Okay.”

Alex’s breath caught.  “Okay?”

“What other choice do we have?”

This was just a friend helping a friend out.  It’s what any friend would do for their friend.  That’s what friends were for.  “Right.  Um.  Would it be more comfortable for you if you were, um, on the bed?”

John stood, lying back on Alex’s mattress.  Alex moved next to him and fought the nerves that made his stomach turn.  Then he put his arms on either side of John and leaned down.

“Wait.”

Alex swallowed, his face a mere inch from John’s neck.  Was he having second thoughts?  Alex wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to go through with this.  They still had a full day to figure out their next move.

“If we do this... We’ll still be friends, right?  No matter what?”

_ John. _  Alex sat back up.  “Of course.  We’ll  _ always _ be friends.”  He studied John’s face.  He was scared.  So was Alex.  “You’re sure?”  Because he could still say no to this.  He could still back out if he wanted to, if he wanted to try something else.

“Yeah.”

Alex steeled himself.  This was just... friendship.  He ignored the fact that biting usually happened during sex.  Ignored the voice in his head screaming at him to stop, that this wasn’t right, that John would never forgive him.  Ignored the way John trembled underneath him, the way some part of him craved the feeling of John’s skin under his fingertips because this was supposed to be much more intimate than it currently was.  Ignored the way tears pricked in his eyes because he’d wanted to bite John for a while now, but never like  _ this _ .

He lowered his face to John’s neck and found his scent gland pretty quickly.  But he hesitated for a moment, closing his eyes and mouthing,  _ I love you _ , a secret that he would take to his grave.  His lips brushed John’s skin, the smell of him overwhelming his senses and making his head swim just enough to remind him of how this was  _ supposed _ to go.

He’d do anything for John.

He opened his mouth.

John was everything to him.

He closed his eyes.

And John needed him to do this.

He bit down.

* * *

 

John had a bruise over his scent gland.  That would fade.

The mark wouldn’t.  Not entirely.

Alex watched him explain everything to Hercules.  Looked away when Hercules met his eyes.

John was safe.  They’d pass the inspection, no problem.  John was safe, and that was what should matter.  Alex should’ve been  _ happy _ .

Instead, he felt like he was going to throw up.

Why had he bitten John?  He could argue that he was the first logical choice, because he knew him better than anyone else in their friend group, save for Frannie.  He could argue that they lived together in college, that it would be easier to pass off as real.  That it made sense because Alex was bi, John was gay, and they were both single.

But he’d always wonder if he did it to save John, or if he did it to have John all to himself.  If some part of him believed that the only way he’d be able to have John was to bond with him.  If he truly thought that  _ his _ feelings for John were more important than John’s feelings for him.  If he was so  _ willing _ to invalidate John’s lack of romantic love for him, to take him as his at the first opportunity.

Was he a horrible person?

When John excused himself to take a phone call, he went to the bathroom and threw up.  He could still taste John’s blood on his lips, still smell their combined scents, still feel the longing in his stomach to do  _ more _ to make John his.

He didn’t know whether he’d ever be able to forgive himself.

He could only hope that John would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Every time I reread that Alex learned to pick locks in order to seem like a _bad boy_ I imagine that gif of Lin in the greaser jacket.


	2. The Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one covers the interview with the BIB.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm sorry it's been YEARS since I posted! But it's summer now, so I should have some more free time to write and post!  
> Warnings: Discussion of things of a sexual nature.  
> Also, Alex is a sassy boi and I love it.

John was grinding his teeth. Alex didn't know if he had the right to ask him to stop. He fought the bouncing of his own knee, tried to pass the time by staring at his phone. It didn't work. He risked another look at John. He was visibly on edge, but only to someone who knew him.

Alex knew him. He knew almost everything he possibly could about him. The practice questions they'd been answering almost nonstop for the past week or so had proved that.

"It'll be okay," Alex whispered to him. Looked down at John's hands, clasped tightly together in his lap. Longed to take them into his own.

John nodded mechanically, eyes glued to the floor.

Alex reached over and tugged John's hair lightly. "I mean it. It'll be okay. We know everything there is to know about each other."

"Not everything," John mumbled.

"We know enough."

John closed his eyes, an unidentifiable emotion passing over his face before it hardened with determination.

"John Laurens?"

"Ready?" Alex asked, standing and offering his hand. John stared at it for half a second before taking it. They followed the man – a Beta, from what Alex could tell – into his office. John dropped Alex's hand when they got inside and sat back down. Alex pretended it didn't sting.

_And why should it? As much as you may want to be more, you're just friends. That's all you'll ever be, so just give up._

The man introduced himself as William Poitiers. Yeah, he looked like the type of asshole who would have a fancy name like that.

"John Laurens."

"Yes, sir," John said, and at once the façade slid into place. Alex watched his eyes lose the scared look, watched his posture change and straighten, watched his face grow neutral. He wished he could do that.

"And Alexander Hamilton."

"Yes."

"Do you know why you're here today?"

_We heard you were selling Girl Scout cookies._

Alex decided to keep his mouth shut – for once – and let John answer as much as possible. He couldn't trust himself not to say something snarky at the moment.

"The government suspects us of Bond Fraud?" John guessed.

Poitiers – Alex sneered internally at the name – crossed his arms. "Correct. Here's how this is going to work: I'm going to question you both. Then you'll be questioned separately. We'll look into your personal lives. Ask friends and family. Talk to neighbors. If something doesn't add up, you'll be questioned again. If things _still_ don’t add up, both of you, and anyone else found to be assisting you, will be facing legal persecution. Alexander, you will most likely be imprisoned for no more than five years. John, you will be escorted to an available breeding facility and then to prison."

John paled. Alex felt a fire burn in his chest. "So John would be impregnated and then thrown into prison just like that? What about the baby?" Because if there was one thing the government wanted from John, it was a healthy baby. And there was  _no way_ a fetus could get to term successfully in a prison.

"There will be doctors who will ensure that he and the fetus will be kept in good health."

_Only for as long as it's necessary, right? You'd abandon John as soon as the baby was born, leave him to rot in a prison without his child._

Alex realized that John was shaking and took his hand again. "That's barbaric."

" If you two  _are_ telling the truth, then he doesn't have anything to worry about. However, if you confess to fraud now, all charges  _will_ be dropped and it will be as if this never happened. That being said, is there anything you would like to tell me?”

Alex saw the momentary uncertainty in John's eyes. "No," he said before John could back out. "There's nothing we would like to tell you."

If John thought Alex would ever give up on him, he was out of his mind.

They were questioned by Poitiers for an ungodly amount of time. Then he brought an Alpha in to escort Alex out for individual questioning. He kissed John's cheek on his way out. Kind of hated himself for it.

"So," Saxony said once they were settled in her office. "Your Omega. Tell me about him."

Alex blanched. "Um, what would you like to know?"

"Everything. What was his childhood like, what are his dreams, what does he like to do?"

 _Deep breaths. Start at the beginning and work your way through._ "His childhood was really rough."

Saxony arched an eyebrow and jotted something down on a clipboard. "Oh?"

"His father doesn't love him. He's ashamed of the fact that John is an Omega. And he blames John for it constantly. He disapproved of John's decision to go to college because he wanted him to stay at the house and take care of his siblings."

"So your father-in-law has some  traditionalist views as to what an Omega should be doing. How did he feel about the Protocol, then?"

"He wanted John to go."

Saxony continued to write. Alex felt himself getting angrier and angrier as he thought about Henry. Fucking Henry, always acting like John was some kind of inconvenience, as if he didn't know that John was the best of everything and everyone and  _no,_ Alex was not being melodramatic.

"He's such an asshole," Alex said. "He takes John for granted all of the time -"

"And you don't?"

"Of course not. I treat him  _way_ better than Henry ever could."

"You really seem to have it out for him."

Did he? Alex fought the urge to continue to list out everything he hated about Henry – it was a long, comprehensive, alphabetized list. He didn't want to give Saxony the wrong impression. "We don't like each other. But we're not here to talk about him. We're here to talk about my mate."

"Indeed we are. So what does your Omega like to do?"

Was it wrong that Alex liked it when John was referred to as  _his Omega_ ? He had no right to call John that, and yet here Saxony was. "He likes to draw and paint. He likes to work out, too."

"I caught a glimpse of him," Saxony said. "He's very fit."

He didn't know if she was complimenting John on his fitness or Alex for having an attractive Omega. "Like I said, he likes exercising. He said it's because it helps him burn off stress and relax when something has him wound up."

"What usually stresses him out?"

"School, mainly."

"What's he studying?"

"Environmental science and pre-law."

"He wants to be a lawyer?"

Alex nodded.

"Do you think he can do it?"

Alex scoffed. "He has my full support."

"But do you think he can  _do_ it?"

"If anyone can, it's him. John is the best person I know. He's the smartest and most capable -"

"Okay, okay." Saxony laughed a little. "You've proven your point. How long have you been together?"

"Three months." That was what they had decided on, right? "He comforted me during a particularly bad thunderstorm and things kind of escalated from there." Alex smiled, as if he was remembering it. Wished he could say that he was. "He told me he loved me."

"You're afraid of storms?"

"Ever since I was a child."

"And John doesn't think less of you for it?"

"No." John didn't necessarily know why – at least, not the full extent – but he helped Alex through them when they were younger. Alex's apprehension towards them had faded over time, for the most part. But if a storm was really nasty or if he was already in a bad mood, the roaring of the sky and the flood of rain against the windows still took him back to Nevis or the foster home. Sometimes he'd have flashbacks. Those were the worst.

"It's good to have a supportive Omega. Have you shared a cycle yet?"

"No."

"Your Omega's Bonding Heat will be happening shortly. Are you ready for that?"

What the hell kind of question was that? "I guess so."

"Having an Omega during their normal heat doesn't even begin to compare to having them during their Bonding Heat. He'll be requiring a lot of... attention. Are you prepared to take responsibility for that? Especially because you won't be going through a Bonding Cycle of your own?"

He didn't like the glint in Saxony's eyes as she said it. He didn't like the way his mind supplied him with the image of John -

_No._ Thinking of John that way was strictly forbidden.

But what did she mean, it didn't even compare? Not that it mattered, because they would  _never_ . Alex would never get to see that side of John.

Saxony couldn't know that.

"I'm ready."

"How's sex with him in general?"

And there it was, the ultimate question that Alex felt had been coming. He hated her. Hated this. It was already bad enough to be preyed upon by these vultures, to be grilled and questioned to make sure that they weren't lying to protect John from being  _forcibly bred_ . Now they were invading their intimacy, the one thing Alex had hoped he would never have to talk about, would never have to come up with a lie about. He wanted to keep that subject locked away, where no one would be able to get to it because that information was supposed to be private.

Everything was supposed to be private but here these people were, coming in and tearing their lives apart with bullshit laws.

"Mr. Hamilton?"

"That's an extremely personal question, don't you think?"

Saxony shrugged. "Just need to cover all of the bases."

Alex wanted to punch a hole in the wall. "John is wonderful." They hadn't discussed sex. He tried to think of what John would say. Their answers had to remain consistent. "We haven't been very active lately, though. Between school and being home with at least four other people constantly in each house, we don't get very much alone time."

"But when you do?"

"It's mind-blowing," he deadpanned.

"Does he satisfy you completely?"

"Yes." Fuck this. Fuck her. Fuck everything.

"Does he take your knot?"

Nope. He was done. "I'm not answering that."

Saxony smiled to herself, like making him angry was a personal victory. "Fair enough."

"Is there any other aspect of our private life you'd like to probe into?"

Saxony gave him a look. "These are just standard questions. Why are you getting defensive?"

"Because," Alex snapped, "I think this whole thing is ridiculous. I think this whole Emergency Breeding Protocol thing is absolute bullshit, and I think it's worse that we're being drilled for something like this when there are other,  _much more serious_ crimes being committed that need the government's attention!" Fuck, fuck, he was losing his temper. "I shouldn't have to prove to anyone that I love John. I shouldn't have to be facing jail time on the off chance that someone isn't convinced that I love him  _enough_ and John shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this. He'd get bred.  _Bred._ Does no one see the problems with that? It's  _his_ body!"

Saxony crossed her arms. "Be that as it may, he's just an Omega -"

"No.  _No_ . He is  _not_ just an Omega. John will never be  _just an Omega._ He is so much more than that! He will  _always_ be so much more than that!"

"I misspoke.”  _Sure you did._ “He's  _your_ Omega."

"He's my -" Alex stopped. The utterance of those words would be the biggest betrayal to John. He knew it in his bones. "John is more than that. He's my  _everything_ ." And if there was one truth that Alex had spoken during this interview, it was that. John was the goddamn world, and Alex would die to protect him. He rubbed his jaw. "I'm sorry. I'm getting emotional. But seeing this is – it's painful. Watching John fall apart like that when we saw the news was – I'll never forget the look on his face."

"So you  _did_ bond after the Protocol was announced."

"No one's denying that.”

“Had you been intending to bond before then?”

“We hadn't talked about it, no. We haven't been together for that long. But I always knew we'd end up together. And from what I can tell, so did John.”

Saxony wrote on her clipboard – Alex had the irrational thought of snapping it in half – for several long seconds. Then she looked up at him. “You really love him, don't you?”

“Of course. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.”

She stood and opened the door. “Well. I have all I need. I just need you to fill out some forms that state that you've been completely honest and are willing to take responsibility for your Omega once the investigation is complete.” She led him to a desk. The receptionist offered him a drink. He refused. He was too on edge to be able to focus on anything. He skimmed the pages of the form without really comprehending the words. John would have been good to have at the moment. He could've interpreted some of the jargon. Or George. George would've dissected this in a matter of minutes.

He signed everything that needed to be signed and turned in the forms. Then Saxony led him to the lobby. John looked up from one of the chairs, and Alex felt his heartbeat calm. “John.” He wrapped his arms around John and pulled him into a hug. Was it wrong that John's arms made him feel so safe?

“Hey, love.” _That_ set him on fire. “All done?”

Alex's ears buzzed. John had called him  _love_ . John had called him  _love_ . John – 

John.

John needed to be protected, not pursued. Alex pushed his emotions out of the way and said something about getting lunch. They walked out of the building, hand in hand.

Alex couldn't help but notice how perfectly their hands fit together, how the spaces between their fingers seemed to be the exact size that the other needed.

He looked up at John. Found his eyes traveling to his neck. Found the scar. It was fading, but still there. Always would be. A part of Alex would  _literally_ always be with John.

The thought shouldn't have made him nearly as sick as it did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Angst intensifies***  
>  Unlike my main stories, I'm posting these chapters as I write them. So there's no official posting schedule. I'm sorry!


	3. Fourth of July: A Bonus!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes over to John's house and celebrates the Fourth with his real fake in-laws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly wasn't planning on writing this. It kind of just happened. And frankly, I think this is one of the best pieces I've written. I'm really proud of it.
> 
> Anyway, no warnings that I can think of. As for context, you know how John briefly mentioned in chapter 8 that Alex came over the night before to celebrate the Fourth with them? This is it.

Alex fixed his shirt once more. It was his polo, what he used when he needed to look fancy and respectable. He largely hated wearing something with such a pretentious connotation. Part of him liked how he looked. Professional. Well-to-do. Like someone who came from money.

If he changed his cargo shorts for slacks and his beat-up sneakers for loafers, he'd look like he belonged in this neighborhood. Like he'd grown up going to private schools, like he was best friends with the LaRouche twins down the street, like he was a shoo-in at Harvard or Yale.

Like someone Henry Laurens would accept.

He pulled his hair back. If he shaped himself into that kind of person, then he'd lose the already meager affections of the one he'd be changing for. _John_ liked him. John was his best friend. John was what mattered. Not Henry. Not his opinions.

But if he could win Henry's favor -

There was no way. It'd be impossible. No matter what clothing Alex wore, he'd always be the filthy orphan boy who contaminated everything he touched with his un-American filth.

His birth father was an American citizen. That meant Alex was American.

The way things were going, though, Alex couldn't say he'd mind if it turned out he wasn't.

He looked at the picture on his dresser. It was from graduation. He and John were side by side, wearing their caps and gowns and overly-optimistic smiles. He personally didn't like his smile in the photo. It was too wide and made his nose stand out. But John looked perfect. His eyes were crinkled at the ends, his grin almost all teeth. He looked so _happy_ and it warmed Alex's heart every time he saw it. He couldn't bear to _not_ have that much pure joy on display.

John smiled like that so rarely. In fact, Alex had hardly seen him smile _at all_ since the Protocol was announced. Not even the polite, fake ones.

Alex wanted to make John smile again. He wanted to make John smile again because his smile lit up the room.

He remembered a letter he'd written to John: _Your smile causes the sun to block itself with clouds because it can't help but envy you. The way you effortlessly emit light and warmth puts it to shame. At your command, the planets would abandon their path to revolve around you. The plants would bask in your life-giving presence. Your authority would shape the seasons, your destruction would bring about the end of days. Under your intimidating beauty, I can't help but seek the shade and admire from afar._

God, he was corny.

To make matters worse, he had an entire box full of love letters that he'd written over the years. He wrote his first one over ten years ago, when he was eight. It had been simple – _John, I think your eyes are pretty and your face reminds me of stars._

He had a plan for the box. If he died, the letters would find their way into John's hands and he'd read them and then weep for his lost friend that he realized he loved too late.

He probably wasn't going to make it past college, anyway. Best case scenario, he'd graduate and then get hit by a truck, or a new wave of vector-borne illnesses would sweep through the nation and he'd succumb to them like he should have sixteen years ago.

Or maybe there'd be another hurricane. He was too big to hide in the cabinet now anyway.

He shook the dismal thoughts off and glanced at the closet. The letters were on the top shelf, in a shoe box with John's name on it.

If he gave them to John now, what would he say? Would he be disgusted? Horrified?

Of course not. That wasn't John. Alex was being too insecure.

John would be upset, for sure. He'd give Alex a look – it'd be like the look a veterinarian gave to a kid right before they euthanized their beloved pet. He'd phrase the rejection as gently as possible, reassure Alex that even though he didn't feel the same way, he still loved him dearly, still considered him his best friend. He'd tell Alex that he could take all of the time he needed to recover, that he'd be there when Alex was ready. But he'd never look at him the same way again. Everything Alex did for John would give him pause, make him wonder if Alex was doing it because he genuinely cared or if it was to try and win him over. John would politely distance himself, come up with reasonable explanations for his absence, gradually be there less and less until he was gone.

Alex swallowed the lump in his throat. If he told John how he felt, he'd lose him. He was sure of it.

He smoothed his shirt out one last time. Considered canceling and going to bed because he was suddenly exhausted.

It'd be good to go out. It'd be good to get some fresh air and enjoy the evening.

He walked over to John's house and let himself into the backyard. Marty was sitting in one of the chairs, staring up at the sky.

“Anything new up there?” Alex asked.

“No.” She looked over at him. “You look nice. What's the occasion?”

“Nothing,” he lied. “And frankly, I'm insulted that you don't think I look nice all of the time.”

Marty laughed and looked back up at the sky. “We've got thirty or so minutes until sunset. I want to see the first star that comes out.”

“You gonna wish on it?” He leaned back against the table.

“Yeah.” She sighed, the smile falling. “I've got some things that need to come true.”

“Me too. Maybe if we wish for the same thing, it'll improve our chances.”

“Good idea.”

Alex saw a star a few moments later, but Marty pointed out that since it was Venus, it wouldn't count. Planets weren't stars.

A couple of minutes passed.

“That one,” Marty said, breaking the silence. Alex followed her finger and saw a bright dot.

He closed his eyes. Made the wish. Wished it with every fiber of his being. Wanted it so badly that his throat clenched and his chest ached.

“You still mad at me for bonding to him?” Alex asked when he was done.

“I was never really mad.” She fiddled with her shoelaces. She always sat cross-legged in chairs, if she had the choice. “I just want him to be safe.”

Alex nodded solemnly. “I promised you that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. And I'm not going to let either of you down.”

Marty gave him a sad smile, but there was an intensity in her gaze that reminded him so much of John that it hurt. “Don't forget how lucky you are to have him. Even if it's fake. You won't find anyone like him.”

“I'd never even try.”

She tilted her head back. “You both are so stupid.”

“It was the only way we could think -”

“That's not what I'm talking about.”

The door opened and they turned to see Polly coming out, John right behind her. He saw Alex and smiled brightly. Alex's heart jumped.

“Hey. Why didn't you text me that you were here? I would've come out sooner.”

“I was just talking to Marty,” Alex said. John stepped forward and hugged him tightly. Alex hugged him back, closing his eyes. His chest ached again. He looked up at the sky, found the star again. Wished.

John pulled away. Polly opened her arms so he hugged her, too.

“I get to set off fireworks!” she told him excitedly.

“You get to hold a sparkler,” John corrected her.

“Can we do it now?” She bounced giddily on the balls of her feet. “Can we, can we _please_?”

John shook his head. “Let's wait until it gets a little bit darker. Then you can see it better.”

She pouted and looked up at him with pleading eyes. It was equally pitiful and adorable. But John wouldn't budge on the subject, so she gave up and crawled into Marty's lap, telling her about how excited she was. John stepped even closer to Alex. “How was your day?”

“Boring, mostly.” He tried to think of something to say, a way to keep John's attention. “I wrote another essay. This one's about how it'll have negative effects on the traditional ideals of family that the government holds so precious.”

John nodded. “That's good. Have you heard back from any of the places you sent the other ones to?”

“Not yet.”

He glanced over at Polly, then up at the sky. “You look nice. You're wearing a polo.”

“I am.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Just wanted to wear something other than a t-shirt. It doesn't look bad with the shorts, right?”

John shook his head. “No. You look really good.”

“So do you. But then again, you always do.”

John actually _blushed,_ even as he laughed. “Thanks.”

Junior and James came outside, bickering about one thing or another. Henry followed close behind, looking exasperated. Probably not used to their constant quarreling. His frown hardened when he saw Alex. “Hamilton. I didn't know you were coming over.”

Alex shrugged. “Figured that I was allowed, with this being a _family_ event and all.”

Henry's eyes flickered with irritation. “You may be my son-in-law, but you'll never be family.”

John took Alex's hand. “He's _my_ family. He stays.”

Henry turned his glower to John. John's hand tightened around Alex's.

“Come on,” Marty whined from the chair. “Not on America's birthday.”

Polly bounced. “Do we get cake? Who blows out the candles? Does America get a birthday wish?”

Her enthusiasm relieved some of the tension.

“America's already gotten her wish,” Henry said. “Freedom for all.”

John's jaw tightened and he looked down at the ground. “Freedom for all, indeed,” he muttered.

“Kind of ironic, isn't it? Celebrating freedom when so many people are having their basic rights stripped from them?” Alex whispered to him.

John gave him a pained look. His eyes were sad. Alex wanted to make it better.

He took John's other hand. “We can celebrate _your_ freedom,” he offered.

John smiled weakly. It was fake. “We can pretend that nothing's wrong,” he countered. “Just for tonight. We can take a break, get back to fighting in the morning, when we've got renewed energy.”

Alex didn't want to take a break. He wanted to keep fighting until either it was over or he was dead. But John looked so tired, so weary. He'd give in for one night if it meant John would smile _for real_. Hell, he'd do anything for that. “Okay.”

Henry cleared his throat. “Keep it to a minimum. You've got an audience.”

_We're just holding hands, you arrogant motherfucker._

John let go of one of Alex's hands. “Don't want to piss off his majesty,” he breathed.

Alex laughed and they watched the sun go down.

When it was dark, John gave in to Polly's pleas and helped her get a sparkler ready. “Don't be scared,” he said when she winced at the sparks. “It won't hurt you if you hold it far enough away. But look, you can write with it.” He held his hand over hers and helped her write her name in the air. Alex watched, not bothering to hide his feelings. John was too preoccupied to notice, and Marty would just assume he was a good actor.

“So where's Jack gonna go?” James asked Alex, pulling his attention from John.

“What do you mean?”

“Since you're bonded now. Where's he gonna go?”

“Wherever he wants. We'll be sharing a room again when we get back to Columbia, but we haven't thought much further than that.”

James frowned. “Wherever he wants? So you'd be okay if he didn't want to live with you? If he wanted to stay here instead?”

“Of course.”

“My classmate Ally's mom got bonded to an Alpha and he made them move in with him. She said they had to go because he was her Alpha now.”

“That's how it is,” Henry said. “The Alpha has the authority. What he says, goes.”

“Unless what they say is wrong,” Alex interjected. “They're not the _ultimate_ authority.”

“So who's John's Alpha now?” James asked. “Because he still lives with us.”

“I am,” Alex said.

James looked even more confused. “If you're his Alpha, why don't you two live together? Can't you _make_ him move in with you, if you wanted him to?”

“He could,” Henry said. “He could make John move out on a whim.”

“But I would _never_ ,” Alex said firmly. “John can do whatever he wants. He doesn't need my permission to do anything.”

“You're his Alpha, though.”

“He's choosing not to use his authority.” Henry looked at Alex coldly. “He's disregarding his responsibilities.”

 _Responsibilities?_ “What would you have me do?” he snapped. “He wants to stay here. That's his choice. I have no control over him. Just because I'm his Alpha doesn't mean that I get to dictate his every move – nor do I _want_ to.”

Arms slid around him from behind. “Stop,” John whispered. “He's not going to let up until you're frothing at the mouth.” Alex felt John's breath on his hair. It was addictive. He wanted – he wanted –

He imagined turning around and kissing him, letting his frustration melt away with the feel of John's lips on his.

He didn't do that. But the look Henry was giving them made him want to even more.

There was suddenly a loud _**BOOM**_ from behind them and Alex jumped, mind stuttering. John tightened his grip on him.

“Just fireworks,” John said gently. Alex nodded. He knew that. It was the Fourth, after all.

They turned and watched the show. Their backyard provided the perfect view. And with John's arms still wrapped around him, Alex felt at peace.

John's arms fell away. Figures.

Alex continued to stare up at the sky, but tried to think of some excuse to touch John. He reached back for John's hand. Accidentally touched his thigh and felt his face turn scarlet. But John took his hand, anyway. His eyes remained fixed in place. He steeled himself. Friends cuddled. They'd cuddled before. Tons of times. And he had to mentally prepare himself for every single instance.

He stepped closer to John. Leaned against him. Heard John inhale. Started to move away.

John wrapped his arms around him.

The accomplishment felt like the birth of a universe. The fireworks exploding in the sky matched the ones in his heart.

He smiled and relaxed against John. Stopped worrying, let himself have this, just for the night.

When the show ended, James and Junior went back inside. Marty helped Polly with another sparkler.

John didn't let go of Alex. Alex remained frozen in place, staring up at the sky. The moon was out. A full moon, illuminating the night. How romantic it would be to share a first kiss under the full moon. The very thought made Alex's body thrum with energy. He turned around in John's arms and gave him a smile. Wondered what would happen if he threw caution to the wind.

John would be shocked. Then he'd tell him, eyes full of tears, that while he would always love Alex for saving him from the Protocol, he could never love him in that way. He'd bid him a good night and run inside, leaving Alex alone in the moonlight.

“What're you thinking about?” John asked.

“Nothing in particular.” Alex ran his gaze over John's freckles. Closed his eyes. Wished.

“Say goodnight to Hamilton,” Henry called. “It's late.”

Alex made a split-second decision and leaned up, pressing his lips to John's cheek. He'd done it before, but only out of comfort. This was charged. This was passionate. This was _love_. And he'd never say it. He _could never say it_. But he could do _this_. He could do this and hate himself for it later.

When he pulled back, he smiled sheepishly, gauging John's reaction. “Goodnight, John.”

“Goodnight.” John's cheeks were a pretty shade of red. And while he didn't necessarily look _happy_ , he didn't look displeased either. Alex chalked it up to a victory.

He walked home and put his pajamas on, getting into bed. Then he pulled the pillow over his face and _died_.

John wouldn't ever love him. But God, Alex liked kissing him. Well, he liked kissing his cheek. He wanted to kiss more of him. He wanted to learn the taste of his skin.

 _Alex's_ skin was currently in flames. He couldn't stop thinking about what he'd just done. He needed to do something about it.

He discarded his pillow and went to his desk. Wrote a letter, went into as much detail as possible, told John exactly what kind of life he wanted to create for them. The oceans he'd cross for his happiness. The mountains he'd move for a smile. The lands he'd conquer for a kiss. He wrote about their future, wrote that because of John, he felt better about the notion that he might have one, after all.

He addressed it _to my dearest_. Sealed it, put it in the box. He got into bed and looked out the window.

Found a star.

Wished.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! So what did you think? Let me know!!!!!!


	4. The Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's going through his Bonding Heat alone (chapter 9 of Disillusioned) and Alex is trying to keep it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been working on this for approximately 80 years (Since July, probably?) and I hated it. I've figured out how to make it tolerable for myself so I hope ya'll can stomach it too.
> 
> Note: this chapter contains some mild sexual content so be warned!

Alex pretended to browse the web on his phone. Lafayette was home – without Adrienne, for once – but he had a feeling that he was still texting her, considering how his face lit up with each buzz.

"You're too dependent on her," Alex said.

"Hush, _lion_."

"When have I ever been known to hush when something's bothering me?"

Lafayette rolled his eyes. "The only reason she's not here with me is because I know you don't like her. And she knows it too. It makes her uncomfortable."

"Imagine how I feel, seeing someone I don't like parading around with my brother."

"I am so _sorry_ that you don't approve."

Alex grumbled, crossing his arms. "I just don't get what you see in her, is all."

They'd had this conversation too many times before. He waited for the verbal lashing coupled with a thick layer of great qualities that Lafayette's girlfriend possessed. Instead, Lafayette sighed and stood. "I am not going to indulge your desire for a fight, Alexander. So unless there's something on your mind that you would like to talk about, I'm going to go home. It's a much friendlier presence over there."

 _This is your home!_ Alex longed to scream. He glared down at his phone. "I kissed John on the cheek last night."

"That was sweet of you." Lafayette sat back down. "I take it you're overthinking again."

"Yes. I mean, he hasn't texted me all day. And he didn't seem mad at me for it or anything, but maybe he was too shocked to really react. What if he hates me now?"

"He doesn't." Lafayette sighed. "I don't know how many times I have to say this. John _likes_ you, Alex. He likes you a lot. You want all of that stuff with the big house and happy bond and fifty babies, and _he wants it too_. All you have to do is tell him, and I'm sure he'd jump into your arms and pour his heart out to you."

Alex rolled his eyes. "John would _never_ jump into my arms. And how can you be so sure that he likes me? Has he told you?"

"He doesn't have to. He didn't have to tell _anyone_. We all just figured it out. It's really obvious."

"It can't be that obvious, if I haven't picked up on it yet."

Lafayette's nostrils flared, a sign of exasperation. "You're about as dumb as a brick sometimes, you know that?"

"I am _not_ -"

"Don't deny it. If you're really in doubt, ask Frannie when she gets in. She'd know for sure."

"I already have. She won't tell me. Every time I bring it up, she says that I need to tell him myself, rather than use her for my dirty work." It was such a Frannie thing for her to do, and he hated her for it. He clearly wasn't going to use the information to hurt John, so why wouldn't she say anything? Didn't she love him enough to tell him what was possibly the most important bit of information he'd ever receive? Apparently not. He scoffed just thinking about it.

"Maybe you should tell him. You're already bonded, so why not be upfront with your desires? The worst he can do is say no."

Alex snorted. "No. The worst thing he can do is decide that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and cut me off entirely."

Lafayette rolled his eyes. "That is not going to happen."

"It very well could. He's out of my league."

"Bullshit. You're great, Alexander."

"But he's greater."

Lafayette sighed and stood. "You need to stop putting him on a pedestal. He's not some unattainable treasure. He's a human being with human flaws and human interests. And you are one of said interests. But I'm not going to argue with you about it. I'm going to make some lunch. Would you care for anything?"

"No."

"You haven't been eating well lately."

"Just don't feel hungry." Alex looked back at his phone. "I'm fine."

"You're too skinny."

"You sound like Martha."

"Only because it's true. Can you see your ribs?"

Alex shook his head, more in annoyance than anything else.

"I'm making you a sandwich." Lafayette went into the kitchen before he could protest. Alex rolled his eyes.

His phone began to ring, and he looked down at it. John's smiling face was lighting up the screen. His breath caught and he answered it. "Hey, what's up?" Because _that_ was nonchalant and not at all paranoid.

"You need to stay away from the house."

Alex's heart shattered. John _did_ hate him for the kiss. He knew it, he shouldn't have -

"Avoid it like the plague until after the ninth."

"Yes, because that makes sense," Alex said. Was this some kind of timed punishment? Or was _Henry_ mad about the kiss, and he needed to calm down before Alex came back over? But would John be okay, or would Henry take it out on him? The thought brought back a few memories and Alex tensed, mind whirring as he thought of a plan to break John out of his house.

"No," John said, "you don't get it. My pre-heat just hit. You -" his breath caught – "you can't be here."

"Oh, God," Alex gasped. "I'd forgotten about that." _John's heat. John's Bonding Heat. That he'll experience as an Omega and I'm his Alpha so that means that I_ _ **should**_ -

"Me, too."

Alex thought about what Lafayette had said about Adrienne's Bonding Rut. What Saxony had said about Bonding Heats in general. "This is gonna be really rough on you, isn't it?" Maybe since they weren't really together, it'd be easier on John. Because he couldn't crave something he'd never had, right? "Is there anything I can do?"

"No." His voice _did_ sound slightly strained, though. Like he was already exhausted. It didn't make Alex feel any better, and he couldn't even begin to imagine what must've been going through _John's_ head.

"If it gets really bad, you can, um, call me?" How very logical. Alex mentally berated himself. "Or something. If you need to."

"Thanks."

Alex didn't know what to say. The only thing he could come up with was, _I'm sorry I did this to you and I wish I could have thought of another way to get you out of it but I couldn't._

He remained quiet, just closed his eyes and listened to the silence on the other end of the line.

"I think I'm gonna get going," John finally said. "I've got a lot to, uh, get ready for."

"Right. Yeah. Good luck. I-I mean, have – have a good rest of your day?"

_Real smooth, dumbass._

"You too, Alex." John hung up.

Alex buried his face in his hands. He didn't know what to worry about – his total lack of tact, or John's pre-heat that he was reluctant to allow himself to dwell on.

"I brought you food," Lafayette said, coming back into the living room. "What happened?"

"John just called. His pre-heat hit. For his Bonding Heat."

Lafayette didn't answer and Alex looked up to see him placing the plate down on one of the end tables, avoiding his gaze.

"Laf, what is it?"

"Nothing, _lion_. John is very strong. He will make it through."

Lafayette couldn't have said anything more wrong if he tried. " _Make it through?_ This is something he has to _survive_? Was it really that bad with Adrienne?"

"It's probably different for Omegas," Lafayette said soothingly. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

Alex wasn't convinced. They'd learned about Bonding Cycles in school (and by that, he meant that the school had used the topic to promote abstinence while simultaneously demonizing sexuality), but not enough.

He grabbed his laptop and searched it up. He knew the basics: it took place during the first cycle after a bonding happened, and the general purpose was to become more _acquainted_ with a new mate. And, according to Saxony, it would be _unlike any other cycle_.

Alex clicked on an article entitled, " _What Really Happens During a Bonding Heat?"_ and read a few lines. The terminology was too scientific for his liking, so he wasn't even sure he understood it. "So the hormones and the libido skyrocket," he said.

"Yes, that is the jist."

"Doesn't sound too bad."

"It's not," Lafayette said, nudging Alex's plate closer to him. "Now eat something." He reached for Alex's laptop but he turned away from him.

"Hold on a second." Alex Googled _Omega spending bonding heat alone_ and skimmed through the blurbs that the links provided. His blood ran cold.

_'Catastrophic.'_

_'Dangerous.'_

_'Torture.'_

_'Excruciating.'_

_'Risky, but worth it?'_

Wait, what? He clicked on that link. It took him to an Alpha forum on Reddit.

_'My Omega was naughty at our ceremony, so I was thinking of punishing her a little by making her experience an hour or so of our Bonding Cycle alone. Thoughts?'_

Horrified, he read some of the answers.

_'If you can handle being away from her that long, then sure! It'll remind her of who's in charge.'_

"Alex, you shouldn't worry too much -"

" _Shh_." He scrolled down on the forum.

 _'Just don't make her spend her_ entire _Bonding Heat alone. She could drop very low and then she'd never forgive you. Omegas are needy during their normal heats. Bonding Heats are another ballpark entirely. Tread carefully because this is when she'll be at her absolute weakest, and she's trusting you to be there for her and take care of her.'_

He Googled _how to take care of an Omega during their Bonding Heat_ and clicked on the first link. The author had a PhD and three Omegas, so they had enough experience to be credible, right?

_'Never leave their side. They're so vulnerable at this stage, and all they want is you.'_

Oh no.

_'Make sure they're getting enough to drink. They'll be dehydrated from all of the exertion.'_

He'd have to text Marty about that. Tell her to get him some Gatorade. The blue kind – that was his favorite.

 _'If you_ do _have to leave for whatever reason, give them an item of yours that you've thoroughly scented. My suggestion is a cheap pillow because your Omega will more than likely rut against it when you're away.'_

Alex felt his face grow hot. He closed his eyes hard and willed away the mental image that provided him with.

If he scented something, would John even want it? He might during his actual heat, but would he be angry afterwards? Would giving him something like that be overstepping, or was Alex just thinking too much?

 _'If you can knot, give it to them. If you can't, invest in a device that imitates one. Don't play games with them over it, don't deny them, and certainly don't punish them for any reason. Omegas are volatile during their Bonding Heats because their biology is driving them. They develop a craving for whomever they bonded with, and_ only _that person. Refusal to give it to them will result in anguish on the Omega's part – physical, mental, and emotional. It could permanently damage their trust in you, and that's the best case scenario._

_'You need to take extra special care that they don't drop too much – it will inevitably happen after their heat has passed as they're coming down, but don't let it happen during their actual heat. It will cause the Omega extreme distress and they could very well go into shock.'_

"Alex, you need to stop reading that. I can see how it's affecting you."

Alex shook his head. "I have to be over there with him."

"No. No, you both agreed -"

"That was before I knew! Laf, look at this!" He showed him the article. "He could go into _shock_. I thought it was just sex, but it's not! It's -"

"He would hate you."

Alex shook his head. "I can handle that. I'm okay with him hating me if it means he gets through this alive."

"Alexander, listen to me." He put his hands on Alex's shoulders. "If you go over there when he's in his heat, he _will_ welcome you into his nest and let you have your way with him without a second thought."

" _Have my-?_ "

"Because he doesn't have a choice. It wouldn't be _him_ making the decision, it would be his body. His biology. And that's not consent."

Alex blinked hard. He nodded. "You're right." He looked at the window. John's car was gone from the driveway. "If he's in his pre-heat now, would I be able to talk to him?"

"You just did fifteen minutes ago. What did he tell you to do?"

"He told me to stay away."

"Then you have your answer."

John wanted to spend his Bonding Heat alone because he and Alex weren't bonded for real. Alex knew that. But he'd wanted to be. He'd wanted it since he was little. He wanted to be John's mate, his Alpha. He wanted John to love him as deeply as Alex loved John and sometimes it _hurt_ that he didn't.

This was one of those times.

* * *

Alex walked into John's room. The smell of his heat hit him and nearly made his knees buckle. He stared at the heap of blankets on the bed. They shifted as John sat up. His face was bright red, like he'd been running. He let out a soft moan and ran a frenzied hand through his hair – he did that when he was distressed.

"Alex," he whispered. "Alex, what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry," Alex heard himself say. "I'm sorry. I couldn't stay away from you. I needed to make sure you were okay. I-I read some things online about bonding heats and -"

"Get in here." John stared at him hotly.

Alex didn't hesitate. He shut and locked the bedroom door before climbing into the nest with John. He felt his face heat up when he realized that John was naked.

They'd seen each other naked before, but never in this context. And he'd never had the privelege of seeing John so turned on and needy. Needy for _him_. John wanted him. The hooded look in his eyes said as much.

The way John suddenly pulled Alex into a fevered kiss was also pretty telling.

Alex moaned before he could stop himself, returning the kiss and reaching up to tangle his fingers into John's hair. He'd always wanted to do that. He'd always wanted to do _this_. It felt good. It felt _so good_. He poured his feelings into it, pulling John closer. John shuddered, moving to straddle his hips. Alex's brain stopped working for the moment and he let his hands wander, moving down his smooth, strong, muscled back down to his perfect ass.

John broke the kiss and lay back in the nest, grabbing Alex's wrist and tugging on it.

"I need you," he breathed.

"Are you sure?" Alex asked. What was he doing here? John had explicitly said that he didn't want to share his heat. "I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing myself onto you or that I'm manipulating you into wanting this."

" _Please_ ," John begged, arching his hips. "God, God, Alex, please. I need my Alpha. I wanna feel my Alpha's knot inside of me, stretching me, making me feel so _full_."

Fuck, the sound of John's begging drove him insane. But he resisted the urge. "You'd told me that you didn't want me to be here."

"I was being stupid!" he cried. "I was just hiding my feelings from you because I was being stupid and I was scared that you wouldn't love me too."

"Of course I do," Alex breathed. "How could you ever think that I don't?"

John moaned lewdly and tugged on Alex's wrist again pleadingly. "I want my Alpha. Please don't deny me."

Alex leaned down and kissed him again. John made a noise of contentment and reached for the buckle on Alex's jeans. They made quick work of his clothes and their kisses became clumsy. "I love you," he whispered, trailing his mouth over John's throat. John groaned impatiently. "I love everything about you, I've loved you for so long." He closed his eyes for a moment, committing this moment to memory.

"Alex." John wriggled his hips. "We can talk more about this once I'm out of my heat. But right now, I just need you to _fuck me_."

Alex laughed a little against John's skin – God, his skin tasted _so good._ "Sorry."

The look on John's face once Alex finally gave into his needs told him that the apology was accepted.

* * *

When Alex woke up, he smiled and turned onto his side, reaching out to pull John closer. He couldn't remember most of what had transpired between them but what he _could_...

He thought about how good John's kiss felt. How much he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.

He opened his eyes all of the way when his hand came into contact with the sheet. He was in his own bedroom.

"Oh my God," he whispered, sitting up. "Oh my _God_."

It had all been a dream.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted – he wanted -

He wanted John to love him.

He played it back in his head. He couldn't remember the details of actually having sex with John. He could only remember that it felt good. It should've been a giveaway that it wasn't real. He couldn't experience something in a dream that he'd never experienced in real life. And since the furthest he'd ever gotten with a man was trading handjobs at a party last year, he had nothing to even compare the idea to.

He flopped back onto the bed and glanced at the window. If he pushed the curtains aside, he'd be able to see John's room. Where John was. All alone. And probably naked.

Alex shook his head sharply. Thinking of John like that was supposed to be off limits.

And yet his mind kept drifting and he found himself wondering if John's kiss tasted as good as it had in his dream.

* * *

 

**Alex: Hey, just checking in.  
Alex: Lmk if you need anything.  
Alex: I can pick you up some Gatorade if you need it.  
Alex: Or some food.  
Alex: I can get you Taco Bell.  
Alex: Are you even hungry right now?  
Alex: Idk how heats work with metabolism.**

"He's probably not going to respond," Lafayette said. "He'll be too distracted."

"With what?"

Lafayette shrugged. "It's still a heat, bonding or otherwise. He's probably dealing with it how most Omegas deal with spending a heat alone."

Alex could feel his face flush as he remembered his dream. He buried his face in his hands. "Oh God, don't give me that image."

"Sorry."

He looked up at his brother. "I had a dream about it last night."

Lafayette snorted. "Was it any good?"

Alex nodded guiltily. "Am I a bad person?"

"For what? For thinking of the man you love in a sexual way?"

"He's vulnerable right now and the last thing he needs is an Alpha – who's only his Alpha by a technicality – lusting after him like some kind of sex-crazed lunatic."

"You're not a sex-crazed lunatic, Alex. Just _normal_ crazed." Lafayette smirked as he said it but his face grew serious after a moment. "Given the circumstances, I'd be surprised if you _didn't_ have any sexy dreams about him. You're not at fault for that."

Alex looked down.

"Why are you so ashamed of your feelings for him?"

Alex didn't answer. He pulled out his phone and texted John again.

"There's nothing wrong with loving him, Alex. Nothing at all."

"He's my best friend."

"And?" Lafayette punched his shoulder lightly. "You'll end up together. Haven't you seen the movies?"

"Those shitty rom-coms are fictional. This is real life."

"Sure but they have to get those ideas from somewhere, right?" His phone buzzed and he stood. "Adrienne is expecting me. I need to go."

Alex didn't say anything about his distaste for her. There was nothing that Lafayette didn't know where that was concerned. And besides, his mind was preoccupied with other, much more important things.

He stood and paced for a few minutes, trying to make up his mind. Then he took a deep breath and made a phone call.

"Hello?"

"Marty," Alex said. "Marty, how is John? Is he doing okay?"

"He's..." She trailed off, her silence hanging in the air.

His heart stopped. He'd been right to worry so much. He'd been right to be so terrified, to be so scared, so -

This was all his fault. His fault, his fault, _his fault_. If only he'd thought of another way to save John! Any other way, any other way would've been better than this.

"Marty?" he whispered.

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"Yes."

She took a breath. "He's miserable. Yesterday he was inconsolable."

"What about today? Have you checked on him today?"

"I did. He's doing worse. He seems to be... I don't know. Distant? He's here but he's _not_. It's hard to explain. But he wasn't running a fever or too cold so if he _is_ in shock, it's not too bad."

Alex covered his mouth with a hand. He needed to be there but he _couldn't_. He'd never experienced this type of longing before and he never wanted to experience it again. John – _his John –_ was in pain and away from him and he _needed to be by his side_.

Every single time someone he loved was in danger he'd been able to protect them. He'd been able to push Lafayette out of the way and take the brunt of the pain. He _always_ had the ability to take the brunt of the pain. But this wasn't something he could relieve John of. He'd given John his word and sworn that he wouldn't go over and that meant he _couldn't go over_. It didn't matter if he remained fully clothed. It didn't matter if all he did was hold John tightly and run his hands through his hair and sing lullibies to quiet him. John wanted to do this on his own and if Alex respected him he would stay away.

That meant he was going to remain here, in his own house, and stare at John's window from his own.

"I'm checking on him every hour," Marty said.

"Does he say anything?"

"No." He could tell by her voice that she was more concerned than she was trying to seem. "He'll whimper every so often, though. And he'll mumble -" She cut off sharply.

"What? What'll he say?"

There was a long stretch of silence. Then she said, "He says your name."

* * *

 

Martha came into Alex's bedroom a few hours later and found him curled up under the covers, bawling his eyes out.

"Alex? Sweetie, what's wrong?"

Alex was beyond embarrassment at this point. Hell, he _deserved_ to be discovered and ridiculed. He sniffled, turning his head so he could bury his face in his pillow.

Martha sat down on the bed. "Is it about John?"

Alex nodded. "He's – he's in pain, Martha. I just know it is. And it's all – it's all _my fault_." A fresh set of sobs forced their way out and it took him a moment to calm down.

"What makes you say that?"

"I bit him."

Martha sighed. "You did that to save him, Alex."

"But _this_ -"

"I know. It can't be easy for either of you. And I'm sorry that this had to happen."

"What if he dies? I read somewhere that he could die."

"He won't die, Alex. Omegas only die from heat when they're very ill. And John is perfectly healthy." She handed him a tissue. "He might need some time to recover, but I think he'll be okay."

Alex sniffled. He trusted her opinion. She was an LPN. "Have you treated Omegas who've had to go through a bonding heat alone?"

"Not very many. He won't need medical attention unless he hurts himself, which is very unlikely. And isn't Marty looking after him? Isn't that what you'd told me? He's going to be just fine."

"But she said he didn't answer her."

She frowned. "He might be dissociating. It's a coping mechanism. Maybe you can convince him to see a counselor when you get back to school."

Alex had dissociated a lot before but it had taken a lot for him to get to that point.

He thought about how bad it had to be if John was -

He began to cry again.

* * *

The sky was overcast and rainy. Alex looked up at the sky and then at the grim faces around him. He realized they were all crowded around a tombstone.

"So young," someone said sadly.

"Such a shame," someone else agreed.

"Does anyone know what did it?"

"His bonding heat got to be too much for him."

 _No_. Alex pushed past the figures, feet sinking into the mud.

There were gasps from the crowd. "That's him!" came a cry. "That's the negligent Alpha!"

"Murderer!"

"Disgusting!"

"It should've been you!"

Alex was finally able to read the tombstone. He fell to his knees with a keening wail.

 _John Laurens_ , the grave read.

"You did this to him!" Someone grabbed his shoulders and shoved him forward. "You killed him! This is all your fault!"

Alex shook his head. "I just wanted to save him," he protested. "I just wanted – I just wanted to protect him! I didn't mean to – I didn't mean to -"

* * *

He shot up in bed, tears rolling down his face. "No," he gasped out, looking around frantically for the crowd. When his faculties returned to him, he let out a sob and drew his knees to his chest, making himself as small as possible.

He checked his phone. It was the morning of the ninth. He'd spent the entire day before in bed, buried under a mass of covers and drifting in and out of sleep.

But if it was the ninth, then -

But John might not -

Alex didn't care anymore. He'd keep his hands to himself. He wouldn't even go into the room. Hell, he wouldn't even go into the house.

He threw on some clothes and ran outside, over to John's house. He grabbed a handful of pebbles and chucked one at the siding next to John's room. No response. He tried another. Same thing. He tried once more, then -

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

His gaze shot to Marty, who was standing at the back door. "I just need to see him," Alex said. He was sure he looked like a madman but he didn't care. "I won't do anything, I swear to God, I swear on my life, I swear on everything, I just need to see that he's okay. Please, Marty, just let me see him."

Her expression changed. "Come with me. But be quiet."

He followed her up to John's room and she only hesitated for a moment before opening the door. "I think he's out of his heat," she whispered, "but he's asleep."

There was a nest in the middle of the room, a heap of blankets on top of John's mattress. The heap moved and Alex could finally see John's form underneath the mass of blankets. He heard his name. He took a few steps into the room before he could stop himself, his eyes finding and then locking on John's tired face. Then he was hit with the scent – _God, his scent_. John was wearing a scent blocker so that masked the scent of his heat but did nothing for the scent of his arousal. And for a moment that was _all_ Alex could smell.

He snapped out of it when he heard the door close. He owed Marty big time.

"C-can I join you?" he breathed.

John nodded, not taking his eyes off of him. Alex removed his shoes and put them against the wall before sitting down on the edge of John's nest. He didn't want to intrude.

John was still watching him. His eyes were exhausted and he looked pale.

 _I did this to him_ , Alex thought. _I bit him and made him endure his Bonding Heat alone._

Alex didn't deserve to be in his nest. He didn't deserve any of this.

John had been calling out for him. John had needed him and he hadn't been there. John had been in pain and Alex couldn't comfort him. He couldn't do anything because they weren't bonded and Alex _wanted it so badly_ but John didn't love him that way.

John didn't love him that way but he'd been forced into craving him. Biology was cruel. Alex hated himself. He should've found another way. He couldn't bear the thought of John getting hurt, much less because of him.

John continued to stare at him. His pupils were dilated enough for Alex to notice.

He'd been through so much. Alex's body ached for him.

He got under the covers and reached out hesitantly. His hand found John's waist. His skin was warm to the touch. When John didn't object, he pulled him close. He hadn't been there for John during his heat but maybe he could be here for this. If John wanted him, he'd give him all that he possibly could.

"I'm so sorry, John. I didn't know it was going to be this bad." As if that could even begin to make up for the pain he'd caused him. "I was really worried about you. I called Marty a few days ago and she said you were beside yourself. That you couldn't focus. And you kept crying about how much you needed your Alpha and how much it hurt." _His Alpha_. It had just slipped out. Alex wasn't John's Alpha, not in the slightest. And he never would be. "I'm so sorry."

John didn't answer. He stared straight ahead, at nothing. Alex's hand was still on his waist. He didn't know if that was part of the problem. Maybe he was still in his heat and this was torture because part of him still wanted Alex.

If he asked, what would Alex even say? He couldn't say yes because John's instincts weren't the same as _John_. But John was lying next to him and he smelled like sex and Alex loved him so much and he'd be a damn fool if he said that he'd never wanted John in _that_ way. Because he did. He really did and he'd never felt bad about finding John so attractive before but now everything was complicated.

"If I'd known it was going to be this bad -"

"You still would've done it." John's first words. His voice was rough and dry.

"What?"

John pulled away enough to meet his eyes. "You still would've bitten me. I would've asked you to. We still would've gone through with it. Because it was necessary to keep me safe."

One of John's curls fell into his face and Alex brushed it away. Some of his guilt disappated. "We were caught between a rock and a hard place." John was right. There hadn't been any other way. Alex only wished that he was able to somehow switch places with John, to take the pain instead of him. If he knew how, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Less, even.

" _I_ was caught between a rock and a hard place. The policy doesn't affect you."

That was rich. "You think so?" Sometimes John was so fucking blind. "Right, because I'd be totally fine with watching you get shipped off and treated like a - like a _machine_." John was more than that. He was so much more than that and his attempt to act tough so Alex couldn't see his pain was stupid. _He_ was the one John was bonded to. They'd been best friends for fifteen years. They were in this together, they'd _always_ been in this together.

"That's not what I meant, Alex. _You_ have choices. And a future. It's not _your_ body they'd be using and manipulating. It's mine. But you chose to risk every dream you have, your potential career, your _freedom_ , for me.”

“Is it really that much of a shock?”

“Sometimes it is.”

John was so _stupid_ sometimes. And so – so insecure. So needlessly insecure. Alex didn't know who exactly was to blame for John's low self image (he had an idea – and said idea was asleep a few doors down) but he'd do whatever it took for John to stop being so hard on himself. John was the goddamn world. Why couldn't he see that?

He pulled John into his arms and ran a hand through his hair. "You have no idea how loved you are, John Laurens. You have no idea how many people are willing to die for you, just to keep you safe, just like you're willing to do for them." He was at the top of that list. Permanently.

John shook his head and Alex bit his lip, vaguely irritated. "Yes, they are. They all care about you so much." _I care about you so much._

John clung to him and Alex's heart stopped. "You're not allowed to die," John whispered.

His heart started again, if nothing else to let him feel that all too familiar ache. "John."

"None of you are allowed to die. Not for me. Not for anything. Promise me you won't."

As if he didn't know that Alex would lay down his very life for him. As if he didn't understand how important he was. John was going to change the world. And if Alex was meant to die so that John could achieve that, then he would. Gladly.

"I can't promise you I won't _die_ , John." He said it as a joke because even if he _did_ live past college (doubtful but he'd lived past high school despite his certainty that he wouldn't), and continued to live even though he probably didn't deserve to, he'd die _somehow_.

This seemed to offend John because he rolled over, taking the blanket with him.

 _Dumbass,_ Alex scolded himself. _He's vulnerable right now._

And then John started to cry.

Alex watched his shaking form for a moment, horrified. He wondered how much of it was due to his heat and how much of it was because of him.

Well, _he'd_ caused his heat so it was _all_ because of him.

But John was upset and Alex was all he had. He wrapped his arms around John from behind and drew him close. He resisted the urge to purr. John was probably scared enough as it was.

" _Shh,_ John," he whispered. "Don't cry, please don't cry." He didn't know what else to say. "I promise I won't die, okay? I promise." Well, if John really wanted him to live forever he'd find a way to become immortal. Anything to make John smile.

He loved this man so much and he didn't know how to show him. He couldn't tell him because that would end in disaster. But he'd do everything he could to keep John safe and happy.

_Great job so far, genius._

He blinked hard and John let out a strangled laugh. He was still crying and now so was Alex.

He knew that this was all he could think of to keep John safe and he doubted that John blamed him for this. But he blamed himself enough for the both of them. Biting John had saved him from a lot of unnecessary pain but... It had still hurt him. It had hurt him and _Alex_ had hurt him and that was the absolute last thing he'd ever wanted to do. John deserved so much better and the fact that he was being subjected to _this_ made Alex furious.

He coaxed John into rolling over and wiped his tears away, catching them as they fell. He pulled him closer and hummed softly. John used to tell him that he didn't sing enough. John continued to cry but didn't make a sound.

How much punishment had he endured for crying, what had made him learn to cry silently?

John deserved none of this.

Alex brushed his tears away again and then leaned close, pressing his lips to his forehead. John inhaled a little sharply and his grip on Alex's shirt tightened. When Alex pulled away he whispered, "I'm sorry." _I'm sorry that I can't do more to comfort you. I'm sorry I put you through this. I'm sorry I couldn't think of another way. I'm sorry that this is even happening. I'm sorry that I'm in love with you. I'm sorry that I think you might be the love of my life even though you don't feel the same. I'm sorry I did this to you._

John brought his hand to Alex's face, brushing his thumb across his cheek. His eyes were open and earnest and full of love.

Alex knew that John loved him. And he wished that friendship was enough to satisfy him.

_What if I only bit him so he'd be mine?_

"I wish things were different," he said, his voice cracking.

John gave a small nod in agreement. They stared at each other for a long time, not saying a word. Then John rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He was still crying and Alex took his hand. "What can I do to make you feel better?"

John gave a minuscule smile and shook his head. "Erase the past seventy-two hours from my mind."

"Did you want to talk about it?"

His chin trembled and he shook his head again. "I'd rather just forget."

"I wish I could've been there." He felt his face heat up. "Fuck, I mean – I mean that I – _comfort_. I wish I could've been there to comfort you and not – not necessarily -"

"I know what you meant."

Alex closed his mouth.

"And, for the record, I wish you could've been here too." He made a face as he said it and shifted uncomfortably. "I don't even know if I'm completely out of my heat."

 _Oh, God._ Alex remembered his dreams and his self-loathing grew. "Did you want me to leave?"

"No. It's not that bad. I can ignore it."

"What are you feeling?"

John didn't answer for a moment. "Longing. For you."

Alex was supplied with a few mental images and pushed them away. "Well I'm here. Do whatever it is that you need to do."

John's face turned scarlet and for a moment he looked pained. Then he rolled onto his side and moved closer to Alex, tucking his head under his chin. Alex felt his warm breath on his neck. "Alex?" John's voice was low.

Alex tried not to swallow. "Yes?"

"Could you hold me?"

 _Oh. Oh God._ Alex wrapped his arms around John. "How tight?"

"Like the world's about to end?"

He pulled John flush against his body. "Is this okay?"

John squeaked out a _"yes."_ Alex smiled a little and rubbed circles into John's back.

When he was sure that he was asleep, he released his grip and moved to get up but John mumbled something incoherent and snuggled closer. Alex maneuvered himself out of John's grip entirely and got out of the nest. Henry would murder him if he caught him here.

He started for the door.

John whimpered.

Alex looked back at the nest. John didn't _whimper_. Not unless something was horribly wrong. "John?" he whispered. "Are you awake?"

John's eyes were closed but his arms were moving like he was searching for something. He whimpered again, one of his hands clutching at his blankets. Another whimper.

Alex looked at the clock. Henry wouldn't be getting up for a while. He sat back down at the edge of the nest and placed a hand on John's cheek. John's eyelashes fluttered slightly and he let out a soft, contented moan.

_He wants me?_

He shouldn't have been so surprised. He got back under the covers and John latched onto him. Alex kissed the top of his head and held him close. "Are you awake?" he asked again. "Do you want me to stay here?"

No answer.

Alex's chest began to rumble and he didn't stop it. He closed his eyes and listened to the birds sing their morning song. And before he knew it, he was drifting off, John safe in his arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwww, they're in love!
> 
> I haven't even begun to write the next chapter and I still need to finish Part 2 as well as some other things that I want to publish before I even start _posting_ Part 2 so I don't know when I'll update this again. But thank you for being patient with me!

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me and/or ask me things [@PandaPantsLovesYou](https://pandapantslovesyou.tumblr.com/)


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